Joseph Tito is the creator of The Dad Diaries, a gay dad of twin daughters and the author of The Dad Diaries: Because Real Risks Are Worth Taking, published by Cormorant Books.
Two children can share a birthday and still want completely different things from a perfectly ordinary afternoon.
This should not be surprising. We accept different preferences in adults without holding a meeting. With twins, however, there is a temptation to make everything match: the activity, the pace, the enthusiasm and, ideally, the photograph at the end.
I am a dad of twin daughters. I understand the appeal of organising one activity for everybody. I also think the organisation needs to serve the children, rather than turn them into a coordinated project.
Offer the same materials without demanding the same result
An open-ended activity can be a useful starting point. Put out paper, pencils or building materials and let each child decide what to make.
One child might finish quickly. The other might spend a long time on a detail you cannot identify. Neither approach needs to become a lesson about who is more creative, patient or clever.
The adult’s commentary matters. “Tell me about yours” leaves more room than “Look how carefully your sister did hers.” The second sentence has introduced a competition that nobody needed.
Separate attention from identical treatment
Fairness is difficult when you can count everything. Minutes, turns, stickers, pieces of cake. Twins have access to a particularly convenient comparison group sitting right beside them.
Some things do need a clear system. Taking turns choosing a game can stop the same argument restarting every day. But individual attention does not have to look identical to be meaningful.
A conversation with one child is not automatically a debt to be repaid word for word to the other. What matters is that both have opportunities to be heard without being translated into “the twins”.
I explore that tension in my account of raising twins as a dad. Shared logistics help a family function. Shared identity should not be compulsory.
Leave room for declining the activity
There are practical limits. Parents cannot provide two separate entertainment departments all afternoon. But a child can sometimes opt for a book or a quiet alternative without ruining the family plan.
The activity is not a referendum on your parenting. A child losing interest does not mean you have failed to create a magical memory. It may mean they are finished with the glue.
I want my daughters to enjoy being sisters without feeling they have to become different versions of the same person. An afternoon is a good place to practise that. It is small, repeatable and considerably cheaper than trying to fix everything with a spectacular family outing.
Twins Do Not Need Every Afternoon to Be a Competition
Ask any parent of twins and you’ll hear the same thing: comparison sneaks in everywhere. Who finished first, who got the bigger slice, who got picked. Left unchecked, ordinary afternoons start to feel like a scoreboard.
Why Twins Fall Into Constant Competition
Twins share birthdays, classrooms, and often friends, so they measure themselves against each other daily. That’s natural, not a flaw. Still, a home that rewards “winning” teaches children to see a sibling as a rival rather than a teammate.
How Adults Accidentally Fuel It
Phrases like “Look how fast your sister cleaned up” feel like encouragement. To a child, they sound like a ranking.
A Small Example
Instead of “Who can brush their teeth faster?”, try “Let’s all be done before the song ends.” One target, shared by everyone.
Practical Ways to Lower the Rivalry
Build Cooperative Routines
Choose afternoon activities where success is shared: building one big block tower, baking together, or tackling a puzzle with a single finish line.
Give Each Child Individual Time
Twins often get treated as a unit. Ten minutes alone with each child, even a walk to the mailbox, reminds them they are seen as individuals.
Praise Effort, Not Rank
Say “You kept trying on that hard page” rather than “You’re better at reading.” Specific praise about effort doesn’t need a loser.
When Competition Still Appears
Some rivalry is healthy and even fun. Step in only when it turns into tears, teasing, or one child regularly giving up.
